(written about 1 month after we got married)
People keep labeling me. According to my financial institution, my drivers license, my co-workers and what seems to be the entire free world, I am now in this whole new category called: ‘married’ person. Suddenly, the parts of my identity that were so present as a single adult feel as if they are repeatedly slipping through my fingers.
As I changed my name on my account today at the bank, the sweet lady behind the counter asked about my wedding date. ”Oh you’re a NEWLY NEWLYwed,” she said, with a spark of mischeif in her glass-covered eyes.
A few hours later, I was planning a girls night on the phone while taking a solitary walk, and I was met with a slew of comments about how I am now one of the ‘married girls’.
Walking back around the block, I began to think about all the things that I have been holding onto in the past month. It started when the Pastor asked how we wanted to be introduced. ”Mr. AND Mrs. Homrich!” I replied, with excitement at the thought of now being joined by a conjunction when being introduced. :)
”How about Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Homrich?” he asked.
The question seemed simple but I had to stop and think…
I would’ve liked to say I was immediately okay with my first AND last name now being molded into my soon-to-be husband, but as the overwhelming majority agreed that this was the proper introduction, I felt as if I was letting go of yet another piece of my valued independence.
Thankfully, in many ways, my husband is one of the most confident men in the world, and his consistent understanding of this area has been one of the most freeing things in our dating life and now into our marriage. Being a bit of an ‘individual’ himself, we have consistently been amazed at how much we actually WANT to let go of ourselves in order to develop the oneness we were created to experience in marriage. It is truly a gift from God and it unfolds every day with perfect timing and grace.
In many ways, through this process, we are slowly becoming even more of the INDIVIDUALS God created each of us to be. It’s happening organically as we learn to let go of our independence and come together as two people submitted to each other and Christ. I truly believe that it is a beautiful picture of how, as we surrender our independence to the Lord, He somehow makes us into a greater and more glorious version of ourselves— the person He created us to be all along.
That person, for me, has been developed through a refining process that I am learning to gratefully accept. This last week has been especially revealing. Almost every night, I’ve had a dream about the past. When I sleep I am met with images that combine elements of who I was or the relationships I had with others throughout the former years of my life.
As I prayed over these dreams, God began to reveal all of the things I’ve been holding onto— my need to be ‘in control’, my strange desire to take current worrisome attributes of my friends and family and paint a picture of the future with imaginary scenarios, and my desire to ‘fix’ (which, by the way, may work on things but people must be loved and prayed into change, not hammered into it).
In the midst of my fears for the future I stopped and looked around. It was then that I suddenly realized: God isn’t in MY imaginary future. He’s here. He’s in this moment. He is the I AM. And He’s showing me how to let go of all the things I have been holding onto that take away from the true intimacy He provides through His presence and unity with my husband.
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Last night at 4 am, I woke up short of breath. I had one of the worst nightmares I’ve ever had and I was scared to the core. As I lay in bed praying, I debated on whether to wake up my husband. I started out by gently touching his arm— ‘Maybe he’ll notice it, wake up and think I just rubbed against him on accident and THEN I can tell him what happened’, I thought, trying to figure out ways to ask for help without feeling like an inconvenience. He didn’t move, so I slowly began to shake his arm. He sleepily asked ‘What’s wrong?’ and I managed to whisper eight words.
I had a nightmare. Please pray for me.
He leaned over and began to pray a prayer that was deep and profound and spoke straight to my spirit. After saying ‘Amen,” he promptly leaned back over and fell straight asleep.
This morning as I woke up, I was greeted with a kiss on the forehead.
”I was just here praying for you,” he said.
I let go of the body pillow I had been grasping so tightly and gave him a hug. There was something so genuine, so pure and so powerful about his presence at that moment, I felt myself letting go of my need to prove I was separate or that I could do ‘life’ on my own. I found myself truly trusting this man, this person God had set apart for me. The very man He woke up early to pray for me. I was letting go of myself and holding onto the most important person in my life as I prayed silently in those sleepy moments.
Leaning over to steal one more long hug, I found myself living and breathing an echo of Audrey Hepburns famous words, “The only thing we need to hold onto in life… is each other.”
