I am a selective grace distributor/hoarder. As much as I hate to admit it, I have unknowingly taken the concept of grace and selectively distributed it according to people in particular circumstances such as "when things have improved some" or "when it's really not that bad" or "compared to so-and-so, I can handle this attribute". I have taken the very concept of grace: undeserved, freely given favor ~ and placed a clause of "worthiness" upon some instances of it's use. Essentially, I have been trying to control others with how (and when) I offer them grace. What an oxymoronic use of this beautiful gift.
In my favorite family book, "Families where Grace is in Place", Jeff VanVonderen writes about how we selectively offer our spouses and children acceptance and grace based on their performance (which really makes no sense at all when you think about the concept of grace). We praise and we approve when the spouse does the dishes and we encourage and congratulate when our children win the spelling bee but we don't often operate in the same unconditionally accepting way when the dishes are dirty or the room is messy or the spouse doesn't seem to want to attend our social functions, academic achievement awards or "appropriate" church services.
Vanvonderen writes about how we operate with our spouse and raise our children to appear full and healthy, when internally they are still empty, shame-driven and seeking acceptance. When things are all about how things appear and less about the true reality inside, we set ourselves (and our children) up to be perfectionistic, performance-driven or, if they feel like they simply cannot measure up no matter how hard they try, rebellious. This is true because when all that matters is that they do what is "right" in the eyes of others, people learn to ignore their own feelings and their own efficacy and they become people- pleasers, at best, and some kind of socially appropriate robots, at worst.
And we do it with our spouses too when we ask (or demand) that they become someone they are not because who they are simply doesn't fit into our desired mold of who we thought we would be married to. We place their worth directly in relation to their behaviors (instead of their inherent worth as a human being created uniquely by God) and we place our worth as a direct reflection of their actions. Ever heard someone say "Your spouse is the most accurate reflection of who you are?" I've said it too, but it's inaccurate and can become borderline idolatrous if someone else's behavior can have such dramatic effects on our well-being and security. It leads us into trying to control others to fit into our mold so we can feel "okay" with ourselves. But with all the molding and shaping and forming and controlling and scolding for "undesirable" attributes, we have lost sight of the true purpose of relationship: to empower people into their true selves. Let me re-phrase this with more of a personal spin. My husband (and our future children someday) are not here to be who I or society wants (or "needs") them to be. They are/will be unique creations, gifted in many different ways to become secure, confident, humble and true versions of themselves. And my role is to empower and pray them into that space.
As I mentioned, the challenge in this comes when we place our worth in how the people close to us perform. My husband doesn't remember to pay the water bill every month? Oh surely that means I am defective in some way because a full and competentperson would've married a man who does everything right the first time! My (future) children act out in the store? I must stop them quickly and by whatever means convenient (even if it's damaging) because somehow this means that I am defective as a parent! We operate by playing on people's deeply ingrained sense of shame and defectiveness and the hidden cry of "If only I could be/do THIS right... then I'd truly be totally lovable." If we operate from this line of thinking, we marry people who act full on the outside and we try to act full as well but when that act is torn down (which is bound to happen in marriage or close relationships), we blame and yell and each feel all-together inadequate yet again. The challenge with this faulty line of thinking is that is shapes us to operate in a controlling manner toward our spouse(s) and not in an empowering manner. Control is born of fear, empowerment is born of faith.
I can choose to try and control the actions of people close to me OR I can recognize that they are individual human beings and it is their choice how they respond to things. Yes, in the future I will have to teach my children at times and yes, my husband's choices do directly effect me, but I also have the individual power and maturity (hopefully :)) to set boundaries in love and hold them accountable for their actions. When I do this, suddenly the weight of other people's actions are no longer on my shoulders. And from that place of freedom I can truly LOVE the people in my life and EMPOWER them into fully alive individuals.
There is a Native American greeting that I absolutely love and it simply says "Thank you for being." I believe that our culture oftentimes wants to add onto that phrase with a positive attribute. "Thank you for being kind." "Thank you for being so helpful". "Thank you for being a shining star". But I believe that God calls us to celebrate people just for being. This is why I've started to really love birthdays. They are celebrating a person just for simply being alive another year. When we celebrate people unconditionally for their inherent value as human beings, they learn that it's okay to make mistakes because they aren't being continually judged on their performance. If making mistakes truly is the way to learn and acquire wisdom, we are doing people a great disservice by hoping they always "do things right".
One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, talks about grace in terms of a calculator. She reflects on how she used to think that her life and actions were equated to a big set of numbers and they all had to add up and end up in the positive. If she didn't like how she looked that day, well then she just had to "make up for it" by having a "super great" personality. If she was weak in one area then she felt the pressure to add to another strength so the scales would tip and she would be considered "acceptable" or "amazing". But on one inspired day, she decided that this simply wasn't the way of grace. She metaphorically smashed the mirror image that she was trying to portray to the outside world as well as the calculator and built a mosaic out of the broken pieces. Now that, my friends, is grace. It's messy. It's unpredictable. But it's real. And it allows us to be the authentic version(s) of ourselves.
For so long I've operated under a miscalculation of grace. My prayer is that I will grow in maturity as I continue to set boundaries appropriately, throw away the tally marks and truly love and empower people exactly where they are. The beauty of grace is that it's beyond calculations. It truly is free... and yet it's absolutely priceless.
