Dear baby boy~
It seems like ages ago that I stood in the kitchen and stared at the ever-so-faint double pink lines of a pregnancy test. Unsure of the results, I checked in with the doctor later that day to see if our lives were, indeed, about to change forever. As I overheard the nurses talking about the results in the other room, I knew at that moment that life was springing up.
The first three months I felt as if I was half asleep, with morning (all day) sickness and secrets and lots of surprises. I prayed for you every day, holding my non-existent belly and scanning the mirror for any signs of an impending bump. When I saw your heart beat for the first time, I sighed and let out a big laugh~ a laugh full of relief and expectation and joy and yes, still a little bit of fear of the unknown yet to come.
The first time I felt your spirit inside me, I was driving and listening to the radio one sunny afternoon. I started to change the channel because a song that I didn't like was playing, but as I reached for the button, I froze because I got a distinct sense that YOU liked it. I was confused, thinking, "Why would the baby like a song that I dislike?" And then I remembered that you are composed of (at least) half of your dad! And his taste in music can be slightly more intense than mine :) At the beginning of pregnancy, it felt as if you were simply an extension of me, but over time, I started to learn that you are uniquely formed and individualistic. And so began the thoughts of your identity and who you'll grow to be...
The days continued to pass, and you slept inside me as I traveled thousands of miles across the country many times to visit your dad, as we told family and friends about you and took dozens of pictures of their reactions and as I finished my lifelong dream of completing my masters degree. Your tiny heart grew stronger and your body bigger as your Nana and I bought my first maternity clothes and your dad rubbed cocoa butter softly on my belly while he prayed out loud for you. Your tiny taste buds began to develop as I devoured bacon and BBQ sauce and pounds of lima beans. And my heart flipped with an unsurpassed love when I felt your first somersaults and elbows and ever-so-faint kicks in my belly.
Becoming your mom is the most beautiful and terrifying process I've ever encountered. I love you already with such a deep and connective love and yet I am aware that the essence of love is freedom. I anticipate many moments when I will need to learn the delicate balance of protecting you vs. letting you learn, holding your hand but trusting enough to let it go, comforting you yet teaching you how to receive your comfort from the strong Spirit within you. Having been told that the baby can feel his mother's emotions inside the womb, I have tried to stay calm and centered and thankful during pregnancy. But I am also a (normal!) pregnant woman with uncontrollable hormones and inconsistent mood swings. So I pray that you'll be protected by a God bigger than me, a God who created the makings of every cell in your body when your whole body was as small as a pinpoint. This is the God that your dad and I thank every day for allowing us the honor to learn to love you. And you truly are a gift from Him. Someday, you and I can sit down at the counter and I'll share with you (over juice boxes) the miraculous story of how God revealed to us His idea of forming you before your dad and I even had a clue.
Speaking of your dad, I just know you are going to love him. I faintly saw his eyes and nose in yours, although at this point, it would be a little ridiculous to suggest you look like him (baby boy, you'll learn one day that your ultrasound pictures simply cannot do you justice at this point). He loves you already with the strong, protective and playful love of a Father, and if you have a heart anything like his, you will be the most caring and passionate little boy around... and possibly a bit mischievous as well. :)
It's been 5 months since you began your journey to life. We have many months to go before we join together in the intense process of bringing life into the (outside) world. My prayer is that you'll feel safe and protected for the next 4 months and be free to experience all that life inside the womb brings. Just know that when the time is right, you'll have two parents waiting to greet you with an overflow of love and a commitment to sacrifice for all that you'll need. It won't always be easy, as life can throw all kinds of fast balls and curve balls into our midst, but we will learn and we will pray and we will teach you that a life worth living doesn't have to be perfect, just full of rich love.
Loving you richly,
Mom and Dad
