When life doesn't make "sense": Lessons from "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" - Part 1

Two nights ago, Daniel and I went to see a movie called, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close."  The movie was a risk for many reasons: it's an adaptation from a complex and existential book AND it's a story about 9/11 in a culture that is still somewhat raw from the attack 10 years ago.

The basic story line is of a little boy who appears to be slightly "off" (he mentions in the movie he was tested for Aspergers but the results were "inconclusive") who lost his father in 9/11.  About a year after his death, the boy (Oscar) finds a key in his father's closet.  Since his relationship with his father was historically one of exploration and creativity, Oscar believes that this key will open up something that his father "wants (him) to know".  Oscar sets out on a methodical and unwavering search for the lock to the key and he meets a number of people along with way and conquers a number of his fears in the process.

There were numerous parts in the movie that held layer upon layer of significance, but today I want to focus on a scene between Oscar and his mother (played by Sandra Bullock).  Oscar always connected more deeply with his father, and after his death, he finds it even more difficult to connect with her.  In the scene, Oscar is raging at his mother because he thinks she "doesn't understand" and "won't ever" understand why he simply HAS TO find where the key fits.  The mother, consumed with grief but trying to paint a picture of reality to her son, finally fires back with, "It won't make sense because it just DOESN'T make sense.  It doesn't make sense why someone flew a plane into that building. It doesn't make sense why your father was taken.  No matter how hard you look to find out why, you won't find it completely because it. just. doesn't. make. sense."

Oscar falls to the ground sobbing and continues to believe his mother just simply doesn't get it.  And in that moment I realized that I have been Oscar (metaphorically) so many times in my life.  We are in a culture that is desperate to make sense of our suffering.  We are desperate to understand the "why" behind the "what", as if knowing the reason will somehow validate the experience.  But, for me, my obsession with understanding the why in it's entirety was just another way to control an uncontrollable world.

This logic can spread to a number of different areas.  Religion, for example, can be a way to follow rules in order to somehow manage our lives and keep things in control.  I remember when I actually believed that if I could just "obey" God enough, I would be "protected" from the hurt, pain and sickness in this world.  This type of obsessive compulsive obedience was just yet another way for me to be the one in control of my life.  My faulty belief was this:  Obey God's commands = safety.  But that just isn't the case.  As a mentor of mine says, "Sometimes we just get caught up in the web of a broken world."  Suffering happens.  Pain is inevitable.  And no amount of obedience to a Higher Power can change the fact that the world is not perfect.

And so Oscar reminded me of this:  If I'm constantly trying to understand and "make sense" of my reality, I'm failing to truly live in it. To truly engage life, we must accept it as imperfect.

To truly engage life, we must accept it as imperfect. 

We must accept that people die, relationships break and health is not always controllable. Don't get me wrong, I am a FIRM believer in the power of redemption.  It's just as real as the suffering, if not more real.  But if the redemption doesn't come in the timing and the way I expect it, I am learning to practice the art of acceptance.  The times when life doesn't make sense, I take as an opportunity to remember the fact that I am human and limited in my understanding.  I am constantly reminding my analytical self that not everything needs to be dissected.  To truly dissect something, we have to take the life out of it (think: science and dissections).  The beauty of humanity is that some things are a mystery.

There is much more to discuss regarding the movie, so I'm going to divide it into parts. Next topic will relate to God's presence even when we think He's absent.

If you get a chance, check out the trailer for the movie.

Cookie dough + Brownie bar = Better than half baked ice cream

So I found this little recipe from Pinterest and couldn't help but try it out. It's extremely sweet but oh-so-good.  Even just making the (egg free) cookie dough part could be a nice solution for any cookie dough lovers who enjoy the dough sans possible salmonella.  Here is the recipe: 

Prepare brownie as directed (I used Betty Crocker brownie mix but you can choose your favorite) and let cool.

Prepare cookie dough mix in standard prep (mixing butter and sugar together then adding the remaining ingredients)

3/4 c butter (room temp)
3/4 light brown sugar packed
3/4 granulated white sugar
3 tbsp milk
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 1/2 c all purpose flour
1 1/2 c mini chocolate chips :) 

Spoon cookie dough mix onto cooled brownie pan and let set in refrigerator for 15 minutes (or less, depending on how hard you want the topping to be). If you want to add the chocolate drizzle, microwave 1 c. chocolate chips with 1 tbsp shortening until melted (about 30 seconds would be my guess) and then pour (slightly cooled) into a plastic zipped sandwich bag.  Cut a slit at the tip of the sandwich bag and drizzle over the top of the dough.  Let sit for 30 minutes in the fridge and slice into small pieces.  I'd recommend putting them in little cupcake holders.  Enjoy!  

Can you trust your emotions?

I recently read a balanced and psychologically healthy article about the trustworthiness of emotions and the Christian-cultural debate about whether or not to "trust your heart".  The article debated two of the most common verses related to the heart:

"The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick, who can understand it?" - Jeremiah 17:19 
and
"Watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life” - Proverbs 4:23


 Essentially, the focus of the article relied on the fact that we were born with sinful hearts, but the process of regeneration in Christ has given us a new, soft heart that has replaced the heart of stone (Ez. 11:19).  Therefore, it is crucial to listen to the stirrings of our "new" hearts to identify and live out the "spring of life" that God has given us.  The paragraph that stood out to me was:

The truth is, YOUR EMOTIONS WILL NOT LIE TO YOU. Your emotions will, in fact, always tell you the truth about what you believe (Proverbs 23:7). It is the lies that cause negative emotions, not the other way around. If you ignore your emotions because you have been told it is a Godly thing to do, you will miss out on a God-given indicator to help you know what exactly is hidden in this mysterious heart of yours. Like the flashing light on your dashboard, your emotions are a signal to indicate to you a belief that exists somewhere under the hood.

I believe that emotions are God given (He has emotions and we are created in His image).  Where do our emotions stem from inside the human body/soul?  The heart (metaphorically and physically- look at studies about how the heart changes when we feel certain things).

  However, as it is mentioned above, a lot of times our emotions can take an irrational turn, which can lead us to do a number of things: sit in intense emotions uncomfortably, begin to express them in unhealthy ways or, as the article suggests, take a healthy approach and feel the emotion yet EXAMINE our BELIEFS about the situation, ourselves or others.  Sometimes, in the depth of emotional intensity, we will find that we are believing something contrary to the word of God and the love of God, and we will be able to choose to renew our minds.

 So now you're asking: what about the emotions that simply don't make any rational sense at the time?  What do we do when we're overcome with emotions that simply won't fit into an understandable box and there seems to be no logical explanation or false belief identified as to why we are drowning in sadness or steaming with anger or wallowing in self-pity? At those moments we are given a beautiful opportunity to trust and a chance to learn self-control as we surrender our emotions to the Lord.  In the moments of emotional confusion, we can take our emotions and submit them for Him to sort through and reveal the purpose of why we are feeling what we are feeling.  Hopefully, He has been a part of the entire process but "letting go" of our need to "understand" our emotions seems to require concentrated focus on Him.  He may reveal a reason immediately, but He may not.  In John 13:7, Jesus says, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  There are many ways that He teaches us patience, surrender, trust, and self-control and I believe the process of both feeling fully and yet sorting through emotions (and our responses to them) is a very powerful tool to help us learn.

Essentially, if we operate under the belief that our heart is deceitful and we try to numb all our emotions (or even simply the emotions we don't quite understand yet), we may miss a crucial opportunity to actually renew our minds and hearts.  I would add that when we live with with bottled up emotions, they can sometimes "come out sideways" in ways that are destructive or unhealthy.  They don't just go away and you can't heal what you can't feel.  Bottling things up creates the tension that leads to explosion.

Main point:  Feel your emotions, then trust them as a signal to explore your beliefs in more detail.  If you can't rationalize them or identify an underlying belief system that is untrue, submit them to the Lord and trust He will give you the peace you need... in His perfect timing.  Not only has God given us emotions to experience beauty and joy in life, they also provide the perfect opportunity to operate under the fruit of self-control and practice submission to Him.  So how do you feel about that?

Here is a link to the whole article:

http://goodwomenproject.com/emotions/your-heart-is-not-your-enemy?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+goodwomenproject+%28Good+Women+Project%29