Have your pie (and be the baker too!)

Growing up, I always had dreams of being a wife who would cook long, detailed meals and sit down with my husband and family to eat on our nicest china while we savored the fresh ingredients and the homemade desserts I spent all day slaving in the kitchen to create.

  Wait a second.... ACTUALLY... that wasn't me at all.  Not even close. Growing up, I used to pretend that my stuffed animals were people and I would spend copious amounts of time asking them about their problems, giving them solutions and helping them find their way back into bear-happiness-land.  I was also always outside, running around with my brothers, exploring new things, taking risks and jumping off anything high I could find. I used to climb onto my tall roof at night with a notebook and pen in my backpack, writing poems and stories and journal entries and being utterly fascinated with the world around me. 

 One my favorite pictures from childhood is set at the Grand Canyon:  a nine year old Julie with one leg over the fence, leaning toward the canyon right below a sign that says "DANGER: DO NOT CROSS" and my (understandably concerned) dad, a blurry figure in the foreground, running toward me, trying to keep me from "exploring" the edge of the cliff.  So naturally, when I got married, I was a little behind in the "domestic" skills department.  I was much more interested in exploring my surroundings and other people's hearts and minds than exploring my kitchen.  

However, over the past year and four months, some things have changed.  I've decided to give this whole "cooking and baking" thing a try.  And just in case you are interested in giving it a chance as well, I'm posting three desserts and a dish I made over Labor Day Weekend over the next few blogs...  Like I said, I'm a novice, so these are EASY to make but they absolutely DELICIOUS.  Think of it as an adventure in cooking, if you will...

 MY FIRST CHEESECAKE (BAKING) EXPERIENCE....

Strawberry Cheesecake Shortcake 

Ingredients:

8 ounce pkg cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

14 ounce can sweetened condensed milk

1/3 cup lemon juice

Store bought shortbread crust (see picture below)

Strawberry Topping

1 package of fresh strawberries, sliced into small pieces

1 package of strawberry filling (usually in the produce aisle or near the strawberries)

Instructions:

Make sure cream cheese is softened to keep pie from being lumpy.  

Place cream cheese, condensed milk, sugar, lemon juice, and vanilla in mixing bowl. 

Beat on medium until filling is creamy and smooth. 

Spread into pie crust and cover. 

Refrigerate 45 minutes. 

While refrigerating, add 3/4 chopped strawberries to bowl with full package of strawberry filling.  Keep about 4 strawberries (approximately 8 large sliced pieces) aside for decor.  After 45 minutes of chilling and strawberry filling made, retrieve pies and top with  filling and strawberries for garnish.  

Return to refrigerator for 1-2 hours. Serve cold (don't expect it to get really firm- serve it straight from the fridge). 

Standard Picture of my first homemade cheesecake

Cool Instagram Picture:)

Weekend Trips, Creating Margin and Self-Care Strategies

As summer draws to a close, we celebrated with a few last minute weekend trips.

Florida WHERE? 

The weekend before I began my Internship at Ridgeview Institute , Daniel and I took a spontaneous road trip down to Florida.  We didn't know WHERE in Florida until we began our journey.  This classic quote the recounts our last-minute decision making process:



Me (as we are driving on 75S): "I know this is our spontaneous beach trip and all but we need to know which side of Florida we are going to..."
Daniel: "Panhandle is 85S and Atlantic ocean side is 75S" 
Me: "When do we need to decide by?"
Daniel: "Ummm... in one mile"


We decided to head to the Panhandle because of the weather forecast.  After a quick dinner at Outback, a small shopping trip and a little over 6 hours of driving, we arrived at St. George Island late on Thursday night.  We spent a few hours there and then drove up the coast to Panama City Beach to arrive right before the sun rose.  We grabbed a quick bite at Waffle House and then headed to the beach to watch the sun rise.  


After the sun came up and since we had been driving all night (and were now thoroughly exhausted), we checked into a local hotel early, showered and took a quick nap.  The rest of the day was spent at a local beach park enjoying each other's company along with the sun and ocean.  Friday evening, we had dinner and then relaxed at the hotel.  Saturday was spent at the beach and then we decided to head back in the afternoon to prevent any more all night-driving.  We dropped off our stuff at home around 8 pm and went to see "Crazy, Stupid, Love" with my cousin.  Sunday was a catch up day and that concluded our whirlwind weekend! 

Breakfast at 5 am on Friday morning after driving all night- clearly exhausted

Dinner

Cliche beach jumping picture 

Our spot :)

Lakehouse and New Friends 

Our final trip for the Summer was last weekend, where we gathered with a small group of mostly new friends at Lake Martin.  We rode Jet Ski's, wakeboarded (well... sort of - the board broke on one of our friend's first rides), kneeboarded, tried to ski :), had deep conversations and random ones, grilled out and had a "make-your-own pizza" night.  It was overall very refreshing and peaceful and I'm thankful for the relaxing time with great friends!

On the Jetski

Creating "Margin" in our Busy Lives

These next few months are very intense for each of us professionally.  Dan is preparing for a large scale event in October and I have started a time-consuming and emotionally-consuming Internship role as I'm continuing to take classes.  We are still seeking to create margin in our lives for relationship and connection, because I know that is one of the first things that goes when I'm stressed out.  I've realized how important it is to stay connected even when life seems to be running a thousand miles a moment.  It's friends and community who help keep us grounded, give us a broader perspective and keep us from curling up into a selfish ball of self-induced expectations, achievements and/or excessive striving.  The world doesn't stop when our lives get busy, and it is my prayer that we stay intentional to connect with a few close friends during this upcoming "busy" season and step out of ourselves as often as possible.  We may not be social butterflies during this time, but there are a few friends where continuity of relationship is so very important, so dropping off the face of the planet for a few months simply isn't possible (as much as my independent and introverted self may be tempted).

Self-Care

At the same time as I am seeking to stay accountable to a few relationships during busy times, I am learning the concept of "self-care" now more than ever.  I never really knew exactly what it meant, other than the fact that it appeared to be a "buzz-word" amongst those in the counseling fields.  I figured it meant taking the time to take care of yourself because, as a counselor, you are constantly taking care of others.  I do believe that is one definition of self-care, but I think the definition may be purposely ambiguous simply because self-care is so individualized in nature.  As unique individuals, we will each require different levels of self-care in the form of varying levels of alone time, relaxation techniques, conversations with friends and family and a number of other ways to prevent the burnout that often comes in helping professions.  Personality differences play a huge part in what "self-care" means to each individual. 


This concept was highlighted to me brightly a few weeks ago when I was listening to the radio and an annoying commercial came on the station.  My first reflex response was to lean over and change the station.  However, I was shocked because my first mental response stopped me with the (strangely rational but extremely strange) thought, "I bet a lot of people are annoyed with this commercial right now, which means a lot of people are going to change the station, which means the ratings may drop during this commercial, which means the creators of this commercial may get news that their commercial was annoying and they may feel bad about their commercial ".  I was seriously tempted for a moment to keep the station on to be ONE person who actually listened to the commercial and "gave it a chance" (I'm always rooting for the underdog ;)). 


 When I told Daniel about the incident, he was stunned (and quite frankly, I think he thought I was a little crazy).  It honestly shocked me as well, but it reminded me of a very important point:  I need to be extra careful to take the alone time I need and focus on self-care because of the compassion level I have been given and the ways it plays out mentally and emotionally in my life.  I'd encourage anyone reading this to take a few moments and reflect on ways you can take care of yourself- whether thats physically (eating right and exercising), emotionally (ending a destructive relationship or reaching out to a friend when stressed), spiritually (spending alone time with God and others who encourage you in your faith) or a myriad of other ways that are fitted to your needs at this specific time in your life.  The fact remains, if you don't take care of yourself, eventually you aren't going to be able to take care of others. 


So now, after a season of rest, I begin to run again.  We will be busy and it may be difficult to find balance at times, but it is our goal and our prayer.  

Controlling vs. Empowering and the Miscalculations of Grace

I am a selective grace distributor/hoarder.  As much as I hate to admit it, I have unknowingly taken the concept of grace and selectively distributed it according to people in particular circumstances such as  "when things have improved some" or "when it's really not that bad" or "compared to so-and-so, I can handle this attribute".  I have taken the very concept of grace: undeserved, freely given favor ~ and placed a clause of "worthiness" upon some instances of it's use.  Essentially, I have been trying to control others with how (and when) I offer them grace.  What an oxymoronic use of this beautiful gift.

In my favorite family book, "Families where Grace is in Place", Jeff VanVonderen writes about how we selectively offer our spouses and children acceptance and grace based on their performance (which really makes no sense at all when you think about the concept of grace).  We praise and we approve when the spouse does the dishes and we encourage and congratulate when our children win the spelling bee but we don't often operate in the same unconditionally accepting way when the dishes are dirty or the room is messy or the spouse doesn't seem to want to attend our social functions, academic achievement awards or "appropriate" church services.

 Vanvonderen writes about how we operate with our spouse and raise our children to appear full and healthy, when internally they are still empty, shame-driven and seeking acceptance.  When things are all about how things appear and less about the true reality inside, we set ourselves (and our children) up to be perfectionistic, performance-driven or, if they feel like they simply cannot measure up no matter how hard they try, rebellious.  This is true because when all that matters is that they do what is "right" in the eyes of others, people learn to ignore their own feelings and their own efficacy and they become people- pleasers, at best, and some kind of socially appropriate robots, at worst. 

And we do it with our spouses too when we ask (or demand) that they become someone they are not because who they are simply doesn't fit into our desired mold of who we thought we would be married to.  We place their worth directly in relation to their behaviors (instead of their inherent worth as a human being created uniquely by God) and we place our worth as a direct reflection of their actions.  Ever heard someone say "Your spouse is the most accurate reflection of who you are?"  I've said it too, but it's  inaccurate and can become borderline idolatrous if someone else's behavior can have such dramatic effects on our well-being and security.  It leads us into trying to control others to fit into our mold so we can feel "okay" with ourselves. But with all the molding and shaping and forming and controlling and scolding for "undesirable" attributes, we have lost sight of the true purpose of relationship: to empower people into their true selves.  Let me re-phrase this with more of a personal spin.  My husband (and our future children someday) are not here to be who I or society wants (or "needs") them to be.  They are/will be unique creations, gifted in many different ways to become secure, confident, humble and true versions of themselves.  And my role is to empower and pray them into that space. 

As I mentioned, the challenge in this comes when we place our worth in how the people close to us perform.  My husband doesn't remember to pay the water bill every month?  Oh surely that means I am defective in some way because a full and competentperson would've married a man who does everything right the first time! My (future) children act out in the store?  I must stop them quickly and by whatever means convenient (even if it's damaging) because somehow this means that I am defective as a parent! We operate by playing on people's deeply ingrained sense of shame and defectiveness and the hidden cry of "If only I could be/do THIS right... then I'd truly be totally lovable."  If we operate from this line of thinking, we marry people who act full on the outside and we try to act full as well but when that act is torn down (which is bound to happen in marriage or close relationships), we blame and yell and each feel all-together inadequate yet again.   The challenge with this faulty line of thinking is that is shapes us to operate in a controlling manner toward our spouse(s) and not in an empowering manner.  Control is born of fear, empowerment is born of faith. 

I can choose to try and control the actions of people close to me OR I can recognize that they are individual human beings and it is their choice how they respond to things.  Yes, in the future I will have to teach my children at times and yes, my husband's choices do directly effect me, but I also have the individual power and maturity (hopefully :)) to set boundaries in love and hold them accountable for their actions.  When I do this, suddenly the weight of other people's actions are no longer on my shoulders.  And from that place of freedom I can truly LOVE the people in my life and EMPOWER them into fully alive individuals.

There is a Native American greeting that I absolutely love and it simply says "Thank you for being."  I believe that our culture oftentimes wants to add onto that phrase with a positive attribute.  "Thank you for being kind."  "Thank you for being so helpful". "Thank you for being a shining star".  But I believe that God calls us to celebrate people just for being.  This is why I've started to really love birthdays.  They are celebrating a person just for simply being alive another year.  When we celebrate people unconditionally for their inherent value as human beings, they learn that it's okay to make mistakes because they aren't being continually judged on their performance.  If making mistakes truly is the way to learn and acquire wisdom, we are doing people a great disservice by hoping they always "do things right". 

One of my favorite authors, Shauna Niequist, talks about grace in terms of a calculator.  She reflects on how she used to think that her life and actions were equated to a big set of numbers and they all had to add up and end up in the positive.  If she didn't like how she looked that day, well then she just had to "make up for it" by having a "super great" personality.  If she was weak in one area then she felt the pressure to add to another strength so the scales would tip and she would be considered "acceptable" or "amazing".  But on one inspired day, she decided that this simply wasn't the way of grace.  She metaphorically smashed the mirror image that she was trying to portray to the outside world as well as the calculator and built a mosaic out of the broken pieces.  Now that, my friends, is grace. It's messy.  It's unpredictable.  But it's real.  And it allows us to be the authentic version(s) of ourselves. 

For so long I've operated under a miscalculation of grace.  My prayer is that I will grow in maturity as I continue to set boundaries appropriately, throw away the tally marks and truly love and empower people exactly where they are.  The beauty of grace is that it's beyond calculations.  It truly is free... and yet it's absolutely priceless. 

How to stay centered- Truth from Tozer

My voice You shall hear in the morning, O Lord; in the morning I will
direct it to You, and I will look up.
--Psalm 5:3

Retire from the world each day to some private spot, even if it be
only the bedroom (for a while I retreated to the furnace room for
want of a better place). Stay in the secret place till the
surrounding noises begin to fade out of your heart and a sense of
God's presence envelops you. Deliberately tune out the unpleasant
sounds and come out of your closet determined not to hear them.
Listen for the inward Voice till you learn to recognize it. Stop
trying to compete with others. Give yourself to God and then be
what and who you are without regard to what others think. Reduce
your interests to a few. Don't try to know what will be of no
service to you. Avoid the digest type of mind--short bits of
unrelated facts, cute stories and bright sayings. Learn to pray
inwardly every moment. After a while you can do this even while you
work. Practice candor, childlike honesty, humility. Pray for a
single eye. Read less, but read more of what is important to your
inner life. Never let your mind remain scattered for very long.
Call home your roving thoughts. Gaze on Christ with the eyes of
your soul. Practice spiritual concentration.


AW Tozer
Of God and Men,
128-129.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Weekend Recap and SURPRISES

Family Time

This weekend I was blown away by the sheer amount of love and joy I experienced.  Thursday I was able to have lunch with my sister Jami and after class I took my niece Madison to a movie and out for ice cream.  Both times made me overwhelmingly grateful for these new family members and the joy they bring to my life.  

Madison is quite the dog lover, so on a routine visit to walk the dogs at SPCA, she and her mom Linnea ran across a dog that caught their attention.  It was a young pekingese named "Precious".  They saw something special in the dog (who is now renamed 'Mia') and decided to foster it until the "perfect" owner comes along.  

Sweet little Mia 

Fitness and Friday 

Friday was a bit of a "catch up" day for me.  I tried out a new class at the gym called CX30.  It was intense but just long enough.  I am really looking forward to joining this new gym (Adrenaline Fitness ) because they offer LES MILLS classes which are, in my opinion, the best group fitness classes available.  When I worked at a gym in Athens, I was preparing to learn how to teach Body Combat , which is hands down the most exciting group fitness class I've ever taken.  

Friday evening Daniel and I ate dinner at a cute restaurant called MoSaIc .  It has an adorable cottage feel to it and the food wasn't too bad either.  The price is decent if you have a Scoutmob discount, otherwise it's a little high (in my opinion). 

A very random & awkward picture of us after dinner :)

Adoption Hope for Sage

Saturday we started the day at The Social House for breakfast.  They just came out with a ScoutMob and the restaurant is extremely close to where we live so we were very excited about the new 50% off deal.  After breakfast, we started the process of finding our fostered dog, Sage, an adopted family.  We took him to Pet Smart to meet a woman who works for a Buckhead Pet Adoption agency.  She spent some time with him and introduced him to other dogs.  Much to our relief, she said that they could work with him and he seemed to be very adoptable.  She did remind us that the process could take awhile but we are just so grateful to have a first step in place.  She also taught us some tricks to help Sage obey and so far it's been extremely helpful!  Please pray we will find the perfect home for him.  One of us will be at PetSmart in Buckhead almost every Saturday from around 12-2 so feel free to send any interested individuals our way. 

He's such a handsome dog! 

A Special Saturday Evening Surprise

Saturday afternoon I spent some time reading in the living room because Daniel was very clear that I was banned from the kitchen area.  Apparently he was planning something for our evening and didn't want me to know about it.  Around 7 pm, he packed up the car and took me to a spot overlooking the city.  It was the place where we had our first kiss and it was a beautiful night.  He pulled out a bottle of wine and some sparkling water for me and began to set the table with my grandmothers china and an entire meal prepared by him. 

About halfway through the meal, he pulled out a little booklet.  He reminded me that our vows were important, but they were so formal and they were written before we had a chance to truly see what the other person really needed.  Now that we have been married a little over a year, he wanted to show me that he took the time to create an additional "covenant" list of all the ways he desires to love and serve me throughout our lives together.  At that point, I was crying (and laughing because I was crying, which is how it usually goes for me).  It was such a beautiful picture of how God desires a man to love his wife daily and I felt so undeserving but thankful. 

 The table set up

 Great view of the city

The great thoughtful one!

After dinner, Daniel pulled out some dessert (swiss cake rolls in a crystal glass!) and we spent some time reminiscing and being thankful just to be together.  It was truly an amazing night.

Gotta love the swiss cake rolls in crystal! 

 First page of the little booklet Daniel made for me...

Beautiful sunset

Who makes you nervous? 

This morning we headed to church and I was blown away by the sermon.  In summary, our pastor spoke about how Christians are now known in popular culture for 2 things:  What we don't like and who we don't like. It broke my heart that we are known more for what we are NOT rather than what/who we ARE.  This is a concept that permeates all areas of life, in my opinion.  If I am consistently focusing on who I am not, it's harder for me to focus on who I AM.  I believe it's important to know the distinction between the two but it's important to become an individual whose love and integrity is forefront, rather than the things I dislike or disagree with...

Upon leaving, we were challenged to seek out individuals who make us nervous.  I believe that is beautiful way to live- constantly letting God stretch us and teach us about our judgments and stereotypes. We all have them but it's what we do with them that matters. 

The rest of today was filled with errands and cleaning.  Not exactly blogworthy, but then again, I'm not writing to a specific audience.  One thing that IS blogworthy, though, is the new steam cleaner I purchased today. It literally sanitizes your floor with steam.  Yes, I am becoming ridiculously domestic.  I have been waiting to buy this steam cleaner for almost a year and today I finally felt a peace about purchasing it.  I took my 20% off certificate to Bed, Bath and Beyond and came out with this beauty:

After using this, I literally said (out loud), "This is SICK!"  It was that awesome. 

And now, some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, prayer time with Daniel and my new favorite worship song to top off the weekend...

Fourth of July: A weekend of CELEBRATING

Our Independence Day weekend was filled with celebrating!  Earlier this month, my friend Carla spoke to me about the importance of celebrating our relationships, friendships and people in general.  It really resonated with me because that is a desire of my heart: to really celebrate life and the people I encounter.  This weekend provided some great opportunities to do just that. 


As usual, my weekend started Thursday night (I'm sure taking advantage of this summer schedule).  Thursday evening I was able to have a last minute dinner with some good college friends of mine, Kellie and Rachel (we missed you, Steph!).   I'm so thankful that we have been able to stay in touch for the past 5 years.  We have endured new towns, new jobs, new relationships and new last names together.  It's been a joy to walk through life with them and it was great to catch up over some food at Atlantic Station. 


On Friday morning, I spent some great time in prayer with some ladies from a ministry called "Adventures of the Heart".  It was a sweet and revealing prayer time and I'm so thankful for their ministry and the impact it's making in women's hearts.  After our prayer time, I dropped by Wellspring to deliver an assessment for one of the women and then ate lunch at one of my favorite places, CAFE INTERMEZZO!  


Friday evening was a great catch up night and Daniel and I started on our "operation clean house".  We just built a new deck and we will be tearing out a window in our kitchen to install a door out to the deck and a sidelight.  This weekend, Daniel is assembling the shed we've been storing for months, so I'm really excited for him to be able to move some of his "man stuff" out of the garage! :) 


Saturday evening was the beautiful celebration of our friend John.  It was his 40th birthday so everyone did it up BIG.  Here are some pictures of the event:

He looked like a southern Senator so we called him that all night.  He definitely played the part well. :)

It was a wonderful time with friends and amazing food!  John is definitely a person to be celebrated!  After dinner it was so beautiful outside and my feet were hurting so bad from my heels so my friend Carla and I took our shoes off and walked to the open space beside the event area and just laid flat in the grass.  We talked about all kinds of things and then Dan and Adam joined us.  It was such a sweet time with friends.  

Carla and I before dinner

Sunday was fairly typical in that it consisted of church, reading and relaxing with Daniel.  We also had a great, carb-filled dinner at Olive Garden.   I had to store up all my energy for the Peachtree Road Race the next morning!  A friend of mine wasn't able to run it so she transferred her number to me.  It was such a gift! 


I am so incredibly sore today because I didn't run at all for the past two months, so going out to run 6.2 miles without training probably wasn't the smartest idea but it was so worth it.  I was also so thankful that my heart held up great throughout the whole race. 


The rest of the day was spent running errands and relaxing.  On the evening of the 4th, we drove up to the top of the cemetery to see the fireworks but we only saw a few because of the rain. 


Here are a few highlights from the race:

My favorite part!  Running underneath a shower of "Holy Water" that the church had strategically placed on the side of the road.  

The flag at the starting line and a tired, hot (but happy) Julie at the finish line. 

Loved the energy at the Peachtree and I hope to do it again next year! 

Freedom

Since it's the 4th of July I'm posting a narrative I wrote about an experience I had on Independence Day a few years ago.  It has forever shaped my view of freedom.


It started on Tuesday. I received a call from her, and I could hear her 'boyfriend' rummaging through things in the background. Every time he came into the room, she had to hang up the phone. This 'boyfriend' was not the romantic kind, his idea of love consisted of encouraging her to engage in self-destruction and perversion to feed his drug habit. Although she was torn by her 'love' for him, she was starting to fear for her life, so she called me. 

Ready to get out of her world of prostitution and crack hotels, she followed my phone instructions to the nearest Marta station with only the belongings she could carry on her back. When I met her at the hospital, I saw that her bones were protruding through her chest, and, since the last time I saw her, her eyes had morphed from somewhat alive into a blank stare of hopelessness. 

"I'm here because I have plans to harm myself," she flatly shared with the admissions coordinator. After placing her in privacy for about 20 minutes, we headed through the double doors into the blank, empty white room they had prepared for her. It matches her eyes, I thought, as she pulled out her phone and began text messaging her 'friends' to tell them she was getting help.

The nurses came and went, and so did her stories, as I sat in this foreign room with her, wanting to provide a warm bed for her but knowing the hospital restraints might soon prove to be a saving grace as she came down from the drugs. After the nurses told me she was "1013'ed", on suicide watch and not able to leave, I told her I'd be back and headed to my part-time job as social coordinator for my apartment complex. Ironically, it was pizza party night-- and I was the host. 

Life can be altogether confusing at times, and the stark contrast of mediocre and conventional living coupled with the reality of incredible pain and suffering have always baffled me, because I seem to bounce back and forth between the two on a consistent basis. No wonder I feel wobbly at times.

After the residents enjoyed their pizza and ice cream sundaes, I grabbed my belongings and headed back to the hospital. Apparently her last few hours while I was away were far from a party for her and the hospital staff...

"She's a feisty little one," a nurse told me when I returned. "We had to restrain her and she got out of the restraints so we had to sedate her." 

"I'm sorry," I said, as if I could've somehow avoided their efforts by staying in the hospital room. I would soon come to see that no amount of persuasion can change the human will, once someone's mind is made up. 

I hesitantly walked into her room and prayed for guidance. When I walked up to her bed, she broke into tears. I ran my fingers over her hair and I squeezed her shoulder. "I had a little spell," she said. "I don't know what got into me and I don't know why I did that." 
She was condemning herself now. The shame had set in. 

She didn't need a lecture at this point, so I knelt down to her level and looked her in the eyes and said, "Probably because your freedom was being taken away at that moment." 

Initially, she was surprised that I understood, but she quickly nodded and agreed. 

"It's strange how we have to give up some of our freedom for a short period of time to receive ultimate freedom, huh? That true, lasting peace and joy in a new life free from the bondage of addiction," I commented, almost under my breath. 

She glanced over my way yet again and agreed. But did she really?

The days passed, and her lack of insurance left her in a state run psychiatric hospital. Walking into the facility on Saturday, I immediately felt that the place was 'other-worldly'. Inside the fenced in playground, patients were walking around in circles talking to themselves, others were paranoid and screaming because 'he was looking at me the wrong way'. All I knew to do was pray -- I tried not to stare, judge, or fear as I rang the doorbell to the locked facility.

I met with her and the nurse, we did the exit assessment and walked in silence to my car. It felt good to be taking her to a home, but I couldn't help but wonder about the people who were at this hospital for good. It was Independence Day-- yet their mental illness was keeping them in jail-like conditions, both mentally and physically. 

---

A few hours, a shopping trip and a full stomach later, we arrived at our emergency shelter. Excited to start her new life, she eagerly signed her application forms. She walked around the house, examining the rooms and debating whether or not she could make this new place her home. She began to settle in and it was time for me to leave.

Going through the normal procedure, I asked for her purse to check and retrieved her phone to place in safe keeping. Knowing that she wasn't able to have her personal phone was one thing, but the moment it was actually taken away, a deep fear sparked inside her and she began to cry. 

Her life had been a constant battle for survival. Her body had been used as 'property' of someone else and alternating hotel rooms were her home(s), but that phone was HERS, one thing that she could use to weather the storms of living on the streets. The numbers all told stories of other homeless people she called 'friends', those who were just trying to make it through their brokenness for one more day, people like HER. People more like US than we care to admit. 

Her mind had now begun to take her back to the streets. She was no longer on the path to freedom-- she was afraid. The fear of the unknown seized control, and she had her mind made up-- "I'm going back to the crack and back to him," she said, as large tears rolled down her checks. "I thought I could do this but I can't." 

We talked for many minutes in that beautiful home. We talked about the path she had been taking, the reason she called for help, and what could happen if she left. We talked about her future and her intelligence and her beauty and how the streets and drugs and 'johns' had all promised her freedom but given her slavery. Yet she was determined to return to them. They were all she'd ever known and she wasn't ready to start a new journey yet-- not tonight at least.

Since she is an adult, we had no choice but to let her leave. Not wanting her to 'find ways' to get a bus ticket back to the city, I drove her there. "You can drop me off anywhere near Midtown," she said. "I'm sorry for making you go out of your way. I bet you're frustrated with me." 

My words were not enough as I expressed to her that my frustration was FOR her, not AT her. My sadness was not because she had taken 30 hours out of my workweek, or that I missed the 4th of July celebration with friends and family, but because I witnessed her being offered true freedom and I saw her turn her back on it. My heart broke because I knew what she was going to have to do that night just to have a place to sleep when she had the most beautiful warm and safe bedroom waiting for her across town.

"Freedom" is defined as "personal liberty, as opposed to bondage or slavery". As we drove through the city that 4th of July, violent and beautiful fireworks lit up the sky, and I began to understand the concept of freedom in a way I never really wanted to grasp, until now. Freedom is so much more 'personal' than any other right. It can be given, but the very nature of freedom is that it can just as easily be refused. 

We pulled in next to a slew of restaurants, one being a pizzeria. "This is as good as anywhere," she said. The irony of it crossed my brain for a moment, but it was soon overshadowed by the pain of seeing her step out, walk into the night and walk right back into the slavery of addiction. Oh the power of human decision. I'm in awe of it and annoyed by it all together at once. 

TRUE freedom is so powerful that once we see a glimpse of it, we desire to return to it during moments of clarity. It's a pull toward all that God created us to be-- relational beings with the power to choose Him or not. But Love remains regardless of the choice. 

God's gift of human free will shows us that God values our ability to choose over His desire for us to make the right choice. We could've been created as beings who would always do what He wants at the moment He wants it-- but that is not the nature of love. We could've been created to HAVE to choose to live in relationship with Jesus-- but what good is a love relationship when it's forced? Freedom and love simply cannot be divorced from each other.

Freedom is placed before us in many areas of life--but we MUST grasp it-- and cling to it-- because fear will try it's very best to paralyze us. The courage to walk in true freedom is not the easy route-- it requires faith in the unknown. 

The courage to release others to make their own choices can be heartbreakingly painful-- but I've come to see that it's the essence of love. Even when it hurts. 


"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway." - Mother Teresa